Sweet Summer

My sweet little family in Bass Lake for Memorial weekend

Hi friends! Welcome back! How’s everyone’s summer going so far? Summer has always been my favorite time of the year, as a kid it meant no school, beach trips and lots of pool time, we always had a pool when I was growing up. Now, as a wife and mom I still love my summers just as much, even more so when my son started school. I try to carry out the tradition of pool days and beach trips with my kiddos. My husband and I don’t currently have a pool at our home (that’s on our checklist for our new home in the upcoming future, more on that later) so we spend a lot of time at my moms house swimming and hanging out in her pool, she only lives a couple miles away from us. We usually take off to the beach any chance we get, because of the current circumstances with COVID-19 we haven’t made our way to any of our favorite beaches recently. We did kick off our summer on Memorial weekend celebrating my husbands 40th birthday at Bass Lake, a change of pace for us, it felt so good to travel after being locked down for so long.

Every year my husbands birthday falls on Memorial weekend. We always try to make an extra long weekend out of it and celebrate somewhere fun, Ventura beach is one of our go to spots, one year we took our 3 kiddos to Las Vegas, that was an adventure for sure! This year was a BIG year turning 40! We wanted to do something completely different, initially we thought we’d travel out of the country without our kids to possibly Cabo San Lucas Mexico, and make a “grownups” trip out of our weekend, of course COVID had other plans for us. Then we sadly thought we wouldn’t be able to do anything thing, then last minute we had heard Bass Lake (which is only about 2 and a half hours from where we live) was opening back up for Memorial weekend!

As a kid I would go to Bass Lake with my family, I had not been since having my own kiddos and my husband and I had never been together. Bass Lake is an adorable little resort town town close to the Sierra National Forrest. One of my favorite movies “The Great Outdoors” with movie legends John Candy and Dan Aykroyd, was shot on location at Bass Lake. There’s a scene where John Candy and Dan Aykroyd are at the Pines Bar, if you ever go to Bass Lake stay at the Pines Resort, we always stayed there as a kid, and you’ve got to go eat at Ducey’s, it brings back the best memories!

My kiddos in front of the Pines Resort

For this trip we did not stay at the Pines Resort, since a group of us were going together (my brother, his girlfriend and kids, my husbands best friend his wife and kids, and another couple) we decided to all rent a house together. We found this beautiful house just a couple of miles from the lake. The house had 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms a large living area and kitchen, it was perfect for our big group! It’s also had a large yard, perfect for a bunch of kids to run around in (8 kids to be exact)! My husbands best friend and the other couple with us each brought their boats, we were ready for a fun weekend away!

My husband and his best friend
My kids out on the balcony of the house we rented in Bass Lake
Beautiful sunset out on the dock

The kids swam in the lake and went tubing all day, the water was chilly, there’s a spot where the water is running off from the mountains, all the melted snow made the water refreshingly cold, it was rushing fast, over the rocks that people had turned into slides, that water was comparable to jumping into an ice chest burrrrrr!!! There were a TON of people at the lake that weekend, besides being Memorial weekend it was also the first weekend that places around the lake town were reopening, besides the crowds I would say our time on the lake was perfection.

My son Brody in the middle with 2 of our family friends.
My girls Piper and Lila
The baby of our family, Lila, Bass Lake.

Bass Lake really is so beautiful, absolutely picturesque. The million dollar beautiful homes that sit on the water and the pine trees that surround it all, it’s breathtakingly beautiful. There’s also a fun, chill vibe to the place, it has a balance of party place and family time. We stayed out on the water until the lake closed, I believe it was 7pm, then headed back to our rental house to celebrate my hubby’s 40th. I had a cake made for him, shaped like his favorite beer, Coors Light of course, this poor cake didn’t make it up the drive in the mountains, the altitude wasn’t kind to this $150 cake I bought, but it still tasted delicious!

The famous Coors Light Cake

Overall it was a fantastic trip, 2 nights in a beautiful home near a beautiful lake. It was perfect for our first time away after lockdown. Even though it wasn’t what we had originally planned for my husbands 40th birthday celebration, it was a perfect weekend away celebrating with the ones we love. It reminded me how much I loved and missed Bass Lake, I’m trying to convince my hubby now that we need a boat! I’m always so quick to jump in my car and head to the beach, I forget to think about all of the beautiful mountain towns California has to offer.

We cruised around to find a nice spot to day camp, a place for the kids to play and have snacks in between boat rides.
The girls love to ride on the tubes
Beautiful surroundings
Celebrating the Big 4-0

Our summer is definitely going to look a lot different this year, our favorite fireworks show held July 3rd every year has already been cancelled, swim team was cancelled, a lot of the pools at our favorite beach hotels have not reopened, things that had reopened are now starting to be shut down again, it’s definitely a scary and depressing time in our lives right now. But when I look at the big picture I’m so thankful for the health of my family and close friends that I’m still able to spend time with, my husbands business is very busy, THANK YOU JESUS, we can still find ways to have fun and make memories with our kids during this pandemic.

My husband and Kids out on the dock Magnet fishing, it’s something fun and silly my husband and son like to do.
Magnet fishing
Getting ready to go tubing
Group picture in the backyard at the house we rented in Bass Lake
Our crew celebrating my husbands birthday.

Just Breathe

How’s everyone holding up out there? I’m going to be honest, I don’t feel that great. I would say that as a whole, I’m typically an optimistic person. However, with everything that’s going on in our world right now, the global pandemic in case you’ve been living under a rock, I’ve been feeling pretty down. I haven’t felt motivated or creative, even trying to compile my thoughts to write this is difficult, I just feel numb and conflicted.

I’ve always longed for more time home with my kids, and now that I have it I can’t enjoy it. Instead, I’m stressing on all of the messes they are constantly making, stressing on getting through my sons 2nd grade school work packet and online lessons, stressing about our finances, stressing about my husbands business, stressing about my job, arguments with my husband, sticking to a schedule. The worry is endless, then there’s sadness, sadness about all of the activities my kids are missing out on and memories we aren’t making together. Anxiety about how I’m parenting my kids and losing my patience with them more and more, doubting my parenting skills, why don’t these kids listen to me?

Frustration about the unknown, will we ever be able to get back to “normal”? What’s summer going to look like? Can I still strive for my goals and dreams that I was after at the start of 2020? I don’t know what the future has in store for me or any of us, the uncertainty has me anxious all the time, a feeling I’m not familiar with. This anxiety is consuming.

So far we’ve “celebrated” our anniversary and my youngest daughters 4th birthday in quarantine, my husbands 40th birthday is approaching at the end of May, I know we aren’t alone, we are all in the same boat, which really just feels like a sinking ship that I want off of. What’s more upsetting is when you watch the news and it appears that there’s no end in sight.

I’m torn between watching and reading the news, staying informed and staying away from the media. The media really only upsets me even more, do I want to be informed and upset, or in the dark and somewhat happy? The old saying, ignorance is bliss, I’m starting to aim for bliss. I really should be social distancing myself from the media, the news, social media, all of it, it just brings me down.

My goals have now shifted from long term to short term. Now, I just want to focus on staying happy and positive, my kids deserve to have a mom who’s fun, optimistic and living in the present, rather than worrying about the unknown. They are little still, they don’t need to feel these burdens. As hard as it is I’m going to try harder to make this unfortunate circumstance into memorable moments with my kids. Instead of stressing on cleaning and organizing, I’m going to try and shift my focus to activities I’ve always wanted to do with my kids at home but never had the time in the past. Why do we always want what we can’t have? Before when we were so busy with sports and school, I just wanted to sit home with my kids and make cookies or crafts together, now we’re all together and I want everyone back at practice and school and schedules and structure. Learning to be happy and appreciate with what you have right when you have it is a gift you never want to lose.

In most aspects of my life I’ve always had a feeling of inadequacy. I’ve never felt smart enough, or thin enough, I was never the best athlete despite the effort, I’ve been rejected by jobs that I wanted and failed at achieving certain goals in the past, I’ve always been insecure about my appearance, I’ve accepted all of these shortcomings and still managed to be a grateful human despite all of my insecurities. I’ve always had the mindset, things could be worse. But when I became a mom, I really felt like that was my calling and I did it really well, motherhood gave me a confidence that I had always been lacking for 30 years of my life. So when I start to see myself slipping in this area, I’m extra hard on myself. I’ve told myself, it’s the one thing you’re really good at, don’t screw this up too!

So now what? How do I get back on track? I don’t know all the answers or any for that matter. I do know that my love for my kids is unconditional, despite all of the millions of messes they make, and rules they break, none of that matters as long as we have our health and each other. My kids will always bring me more joy than I could have ever imagined. So now, what I’m going to TRY and do, limit my news viewing, exercise regularly, enjoy my extra time with my kids, pray more, worry less, give thanks and just breathe.

Mantra
Our new “normal”

Staying Positive in times of Uncertainty

Wow! Where do I even begin? These last few weeks have been full of so much emotion, it’s hard to put into words the way I feel some days. Last week I felt overwhelmed with anxiety, the littlest things would make me cry, I felt as if my life was spiraling out of control, just a complete wreck. This week I’m feeling a little better, it’s all about your mindset and I’m really trying to push through with positivity.

When everything around me started to get canceled because of COVID-19, I’m going to be honest, at first I was annoyed and a little pissed. I know it sounds stupid, but at the time there wasn’t one single case in our county. I went to the grocery stores, just for regular groceries, I wasn’t panic buying, the empty shelves sickened me and made me mad and upset all at the same time. I couldn’t believe this was real. I didn’t want my sons little league to be canceled until further notice, and my daughters dance studio to shut down, schools to close, I thought everyone was overreacting. Obviously I was wrong, this is all new to me and all of us. The unknown is scary, and everything is unknown right now. Living in California we were the first state that was ordered, shelter in place, stay at home order. My anxiety level spiked. When my sons school district closed the week prior I was sad, I cried after dropping him off on his last day before the shut down. It broke my heart thinking about all of the fun end of year activities he was going to miss out on. I know second grade is not a milestone, but still it’s a time in his life that we will never be able to get back again.

I understand these thoughts sound trivial when there are people who are losing their lives to this monster of a virus, but it’s how I feel, I’m being honest. On top of my sadness came anger and frustration. Frustration at the amount of work it’s going to be for my husband and myself to try and homeschool our son, while trying to entertain two toddler girls who can no longer go to preschool, oh and did I mention that I’m still required to go to work. That’s right, the company I work for, we’re government mandated to keep working. The stress of still going into work some days is unbearable, I’ve sat in my car in the parking lot and sobbed multiple times before walking in those gates to work, it’s all been too much!

Then there’s my husbands business, a small business that’s already been struggling, due to some prior unfortunate circumstances. We rely on my husbands business to survive financially, more stress. For the past two weeks I’ve been going to work and my husbands been home with the kids, something that neither of us want to be doing, I want to be home with our kids, he wants to be working.

We’ve had to cancel our Spring Break plans, our anniversary is this Sunday April 5th, our babies 4th birthday is April 21st, my husbands 40th birthday is the end of May, plans that are now all going to have to be put on hold, and I understand why, but still we’re all allowed to feel sad, stressed and heartbroken.

I’m heartbroken for all of the people who have lost their lives from this virus, I’m heartbroken for their families, I’m heartbroken for businesses that may never recover from this type of shutdown, my husbands business included, I’m heartbroken for people working in the medical field who have to be separated from their families, I’m heartbroken for all graduating students from preschool to college who will all have to miss out on once in a lifetime ceremonies. The sadness right now is real, I’m trying to find the light in all of this despite all of our circumstances.

I’m grateful for my families health, currently we’re all healthy. My mom and dad who are both in their mid sixties are both currently still working and are also still healthy, thank God. I’m thankful that I do still have my job, even if I don’t want to be there most days, my job provides health insurance for my family, during a pandemic is not a time you want to find yourself without health insurance. And when I start to worry about my families health and our finances, I pray, I’m grateful that I have a faithful God who listens to my prayers and comforts me during my lows.

Why is it when things are threatened or taken away, we seem to cherish them more? I miss my families busy schedule, our weekly routine, things I don’t think I’ll ever take for granted again once this is all over. The marathon I started training for back in January and was planning on running in May has now been postponed until November. My sons baseball season was to resume at the beginning of May, as well as my daughters Pre school and dance classes, it’s all up in the air now, and I miss all of it more than ever. Birthday parties, play dates, movie outings, I want it all back. I have a tendency to pack my schedule with activities, I like to stay busy, then find myself frustrated running all over the place, I am definitely my own worst enemy at times. This quarantine has showed me, I need that packed schedule, I thrive with it.

We’re all adjusting to something new, it’s ok to feel overwhelmed, we will get through this, I know there’s a light at the end of this long dark tunnel. We can be the light that our families and others need. If you are healthy count your blessings and give back, even if it’s in the smallest ways. Take your kids out front and write happy thoughts in chalk for your neighbors to read while they’re walking by. Drop a meal off at a friends door step, participate in birthday car parade celebrations. If you’re doing well financially give to a charity currently in need, check on an elderly neighbor, FaceTime with friends, pray for this to be over soon.

I have faith that this will be over soon, and when it’s over concerts will sell out, restaurants will be full, kids will celebrate going back to school, parents will appreciate teachers more than ever, beaches and parks will be packed, trips will be booked, smiles will fill everyone’s faces, we will all hug and shake hands, and thank God for getting us through this, it’s going to be a glorious day, hang in there world we’re all in this together, we will make it through.

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Take Me to Church

This past Sunday my kids and I went to church, like we always do most Sunday’s. When I say my kids and I, that’s it, just us. I’ve been asked before, where’s your husband? Sometimes I’ll say, he’s working, which sometimes he is, but most the time he isn’t. Here’s the deal, my husband doesn’t like going to church, and I do, so I go to church and he stays home. There’s no fight, it is how it is. Church is something that I enjoy going to, I don’t want to force someone to go who doesn’t want to be there, that’s not what church is about, at least for me it isn’t. I’m not going to church to try and impress anyone, or make an appearance, I truly enjoy being there. My kids enjoy going, they get to play games and sing songs in Sunday school, color and play outside on the playground, it’s a nice Sunday morning for them. I enjoy listening to the Pastor at my Baptist church, while I sip my hot green tea the church offers me as I walk into the lobby. This hour and a half of singing and service helps to prepare me for my up coming week, it calms some of my anxiety, I feel more at peace when I walk out of Church service on Sunday mornings. Some people may find this same type of peace after a hot yoga class, a long run, or meditation, I find my peace after church.

My opinion about church and my husbands opinion are completely different, this has a lot to do with our upbringing. Both of my parents were raised as Christians, they both believe in God, Jesus and praying, this being said they were not big “church people” when I was growing up. They rarely took my brother and I to church, I can remember going to Sunday school here and there as a kid, and these memories don’t start until around 4th grade, I don’t believe we ever went to church before that, if we did I don’t remember going. I can remember it was 4th grade, when I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart, something we’re told to do if we are true believers, and then you are supposed to take the steps to be baptized, I was never baptized. Christianity is different from Catholicism when it comes to baptism, in that Catholics baptize babies, Christian’s do not, you have to fully understand what you are seeking from Christ and asking from him to be in your life in order to be baptized, baptism is an act of obedience to the Lord after Salvation. Why was I never Baptized? I don’t really know, like I mentioned earlier, we didn’t go to church enough for me to get involved, as I got older into my teen years I would see in the handouts that the church would give me as I walked in the door, they would have upcoming baptisms and I would consider it, but I would never take the next step. As a kid I can remember wanting to go to church more, and would suggest it, my mom never seemed to like going to church and my dad sometimes would take us while my mom stayed home, similar to the way my husband and I operate now in regards to church.

My husband and his family didn’t go to church, I don’t even know if his parents were believers in Jesus, I say were because my husbands father is no longer with us, he passed away almost 5 years ago, and his mother is still alive but we don’t see her often and if we do we don’t discuss religion. The only time I’ve ever heard my husband refer to church is when he went to a church winter camp with a friend of his he grew up with, and an ex girlfriend he had, whom he would go to church with her and her family. The church winter camp he talks about fondly, the church that he attended with his ex girlfriend seems to have left him a little bitter. He has it in his head that churches are full of hypocrites and the church is only after your money. I’m not saying he’s wrong, churches are full of imperfect people, no ones perfect, am I right? And churches do ask for offerings at their services, but if you cannot give no one judges you, at least at the church I attend they don’t. Money is always a touchy subject to my husband, we disagree a lot in regards to money. I feel if you have the money to give and help others you should, he doesn’t see things as I do. This different outlook we each have in regards to charity in general and giving to the church has a lot to do with our upbringing as well, we are definitely polar opposite in so many ways, but I love him despite all of our differences.

I don’t let my beliefs and feelings about attending church cause fights between my husband and myself, to me that’s defeating my purpose in attending church, as I said earlier church is my peaceful time alone with God, not a time to try and guilt my husband into doing something that he doesn’t want to do. I’ve also decided that this is the year that I want to finally get Baptized, I feel secure in my religious beliefs and I want to lead by example for my 3 children. I’ve had some really dark times in my life, and every time I’ve gone down to my knees and begged God to help me figure out what to do, one way or another he always comes through for me, it’s time that I do the same for him by publicly stating my faith.

My hope is that everyone finds a place where they feel welcomed and at peace while they can learn about the glory and grace of God. It brings me comfort to have a place to go to when I feel defeated, I know that I am among lots of other imperfect people who are trying to find their strength through the Lords word. I want my kids to have what I didn’t have, a church home base, where they can learn and feel secure and confident, rather than intimated and shy as I did showing up to church randomly with my dad, sometimes my mom, and kind of lost as to what was going on and what was being taught. I also strive to be more knowledgeable about religion and my beliefs, so that I can answer questions knowledgeably when my kids are shooting questions at me, it’s important to have facts to back up our answers especially when we’re setting an example for our children.

We should all strive to live with intention and purpose, and make ourselves the best that we can be so that we can offer that to the rest of the world. We all need a starting point, every day taking little steps towards the big steps in our lives. Church has helped me to feel gratitude for the opportunities that I have been given despite the obstacles I’ve faced. Problems in life should be seen as opportunities for God to demonstrate His power and for us to acknowledge our dependence on him. I encourage you to look for a place that gives you that same feeling of peace and comfort, stay persistent in working towards your best life. Our time on this earth is short, make the most of it.

Post Church Selfie with my 3 little loves

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

It’s one of my favorite times of the year! What would that be you ask? Baseball season!! Baseball is by far my favorite sport to watch and the Dodgers are my favorite team to root for. It’s also the sport that I know the most about, besides volleyball, so I can actually participate in conversations when baseball is the topic of discussion.

I grew up in a baseball loving family. My dad and his brothers all played baseball growing up, my dads older brother, my Uncle played professional baseball, my younger brother was drafted and played professional baseball in the minors for several years, for the Chicago Cubs organization. There’s something about baseball season that makes me happy, it’s a comfortable feeling. Growing up there was always baseball games on the TV. I lived out at the little league fields as a kid during baseball season, while my dad was always the coach of my brothers little league teams. It was my 2nd home. My mom tells the story of the first time her and my dad took me to a Dodger game, I was 9 months old, they had me in an infant seat, they drove down to LA on a whim to watch Fernando Valenzuela pitch, my dad wanted to watch him throw live. They bought some nose bleed seats when they got to the stadium, my mom tells me I was perfect for the entire game even though it was a chilly night in LA, the Dodgers would go on to win that night, my first time in attendance.

This past Saturday was opening day for my sons Little League. I got him dressed in his little uniform and took him out to the fields for the start of another spring baseball season. My son, now 8, has been playing since he was 3. He’s not the best one out there, but he loves it so much, and has the best time playing with his teammates and making new friends. To me that’s all that matters. I’m not the parent who thinks her kid is going to be the next major league star. I’m way more realistic than that. I realize the competition that’s out there, I also know that this is little league, and while some kids may be great right now, that may change when they get into high school and college and vice versa. I just want my son to learn the game, have fun and love the game of baseball, I don’t need my 8 year old to be stressed out about little league.

I can remember when my son was 4, 4 people! A mom from the opposing team was standing behind the fence at home plate, yelling at her 4 year old son to “get your elbow up!!!” as he’s standing at home plate trying to bat, don’t be that mom folks! Especially when your kids are so young, my goodness let them learn the game and have fun. What good can come from yelling at your 4 year old, through the fence while he’s learning to bat center stage at a little league game? I will never understand those type of parents, those are not my people.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m competitive and I do want my children to do well, but I do not base my happiness on my kids skill level in sports or any activities for that matter. I’m proud of them when they do well, I try to give them some tips in areas where they can improve but I’m not trying to live vicariously through my kids, and I never will. I have my own set of goals and aspirations that I’m still reaching for daily, I don’t need my kids to live a life that I’ve always wanted, that’s not their job. As adults we all need to have our own hobbies and interests and let our kids be kids and do their own thing, let them find their niche and happiness within that sport or activity that they love.

If one day my son no longer wants to play baseball I’ll be ok, that won’t change my love for the game. I’ll still be happy when it’s baseball season, and the smell of spring appears, fresh cut grass and orange blossoms fill the air, it starts to stay lighter later at night, those are the things that bring me joy. For me my happiness doesn’t come from my son playing baseball, even though right now that does make it sweeter, it’s the nostalgia for me, the feelings I had as a kid, the happy times out at the baseball fields, the sound of the games playing on the TV in my home growing up. I remember when I first left home for college, when spring time rolled around and I was feeling home sick, I would look for Dodger games on TV so that I could hear Vin Scully’s voice in the background while I did things around my apartment, it made me feel more at home.

This season I hope to take my kids to a few Dodger games, our girls have never been, this year I think they’re at the perfect ages to go to the games, I hope to share my love of the game of baseball with my girls, maybe even check out a few other stadiums that my husband and kids have never been to, Padres stadium is one I’d love for them to see, in downtown San Diego, I think my husband and kids would love it there. Just trying to check more boxes off my 2020 list, who’s with me here? It’s all about the experiences in life and the love for the game, the game of baseball, the all-American pastime.

Opening Day!!
Pirates!

Make Money, Make Money

Goals!!!

Let’s talk money!! Money can be an uncomfortable subject for some people. If I’m being honest it’s uncomfortable for me to talk about, and stressful for me at times as well. I’m going to do my best to try and express my discomfort in this blog.

Sometimes I think if I could give my younger self some words of wisdom, and I think she would actually listen to me, I would tell her financial independence needs to be one of your top priorities. And now that I’m a mother of 2 small girls, currently 5 and 3 years old, I will tell them the same, the older they get I will drill it into their heads.

Here’s the thing, I’ve always worked, I’ve always been motivated by money. I started babysitting neighborhood kids when I was in junior high, I coach basketball for elementary school age kids when I was in high school, the summer before my senior year in high school I worked as a receptionists at Super Cuts. My parents had told me if I played sports in high school (which I did play sports) I didn’t need to work, they would help me out financially. Still, I wanted to work, I wanted to make my own money, I didn’t want to ask my parents for it. After high school, I worked in restaurants and schools working with kids, I was always working trying to make some money. When I moved away to college, my parents wanted me to come home for the summer, instead I got a job at Disneyland and took summer school classes and my parents continued to help me out with my rent. I look back on that young girl in her early twenties and think, she was definitely headed in the right direction. At one point while I was living in Costa Mesa and attending CSUF I was working multiple jobs, cocktail waitress, teaching pre school gymnastics, tutoring girls who lived in a group home. I liked being busy and having my own freedom and independence for the most part. When I did need help from my parents I always had this feeling that I owed them something, besides paying them back I always wanted to be successful for them, I wanted them to be proud.

After college, I stayed on with a company that I did my internship with. I was a behavioral therapist for children with Autism. It was something that I did enjoy, however the pay wasn’t great, especially for someone right out of college who is trying to survive in the Orange County. I got a 2nd job working at a fine dining Indian restaurant in Irvine. I loved working there, I loved the food and the people. After a year working 2 jobs trying to make ends meet, I was eager to officially make the move up to Los Angeles, I was in my early twenties, LA was where I needed to be, I would tell myself, I’ll move back to the OC when I’m ready to settle down, marry and have children.

If I thought that trying to survive in the OC was hard, LA was just as tough. Housing was expensive and I didn’t know anyone living there at the time that needed a roommate. My mom helped me get a storage unit right off of Sunset Blvd and the 405 freeway, a place where I would store all of my things until I could find a permanent place in LA. My brothers girlfriend at the time, had a place in Westwood, close to UCLA she’s barely there, she spends most of her time down in Newport Beach at my brothers place, she comes back occasionally when she has class, she’s in a graduate program for design at UCLA. She lets me crash at her place while I look for a job. When she would come back to Westwood, her apartment, I would drive to my parents home, 2 hours north of LA, starting to feel defeated. I wasn’t making it as an actress, I didn’t have my own place anymore, I found a job waitressing again, this time at a place in Korean Town. Another fine dining place, again I met a lot of amazing people, but not where I wanted to be in my career life. After a few months of loneliness in LA a friend from my hometown gets a job in LA and she moves to West Hollywood, I’m so excited I’m finally going to have friend in LA with me. She lets me stay with her in her studio while I waitress and audition. This friend of mine drinks and parties way too much, something I already knew about her, something that I used to find fun, I’m now annoyed by this behavior. I start going home to my parents house again. While I’m in town one night, I meet a guy and my life will forever be changed.

This guy that I meet out one night, later becomes my future husband, the father of my children. At this time in my life I still wanted to be a successful, independent, career women. I never told myself, you will be a stay at home mom and you will have a husband who takes care of you. I was never a women looking for a wealthy man to “take care of me” I always thought I could take care of myself. I never dated men with money, I wasn’t impressed with other people’s money when I was younger. While I’m dating my future husband and commuting between LA and Bakersfield, work and my boyfriend, I’m making money but not a lot. I feel independent but I’m really not, my belongings are still in a storage unit, I’m staying with my friend at her place in LA, I start staying with my new boyfriend at his apartment when I come back to my hometown, around this same time my parents separate and start their divorce, that’s a story for another time, I no longer want to stay at their home. I feel like a Gypsy nomad living out of her car, storage unit, friend and boyfriends place.

As my boyfriend and I become more serious I spend more time at his place and less in LA, we go to Hawaii for one of my best friends wedding that I’m a bridesmaid in, when we get back from Hawaii, I no longer have my waitressing job at the Euroasian restaurant in Korean Town, the owners get rid of their entire wait staff while I’m on vacation, I no longer have a job in LA, I don’t look for another job in LA, why would I? My boyfriend lives in Bakersfield, I’ll move back to Bakersfield and look for a job there, I slowly start to give up on my dreams. I start working as a substitute teacher and waitressing and bartending again.

After 3 years as a couple, I find out I’m pregnant, I have so many emotions. I’m happy, scared, sad, upset that I’m going to let my family down, I’m not married, I’m worried about being judged. I don’t have the amazing career I’d always imagined having, I still feel that I should take care of myself, I shouldn’t rely on a man, this is what I tell myself.

My son is born 2 months before my 31st birthday and I’m absolutely in love! I want to spend every minute with him. He’s immediately the love of my life. I’ve heard moms talk about this instant bond you have with your child once they are born, you can’t really explain it until you’ve experienced it, it’s magical. Now, I’m happy just being with him, all of a sudden I don’t care about careers, or following my dreams, my dreams have changed, my dream is to be with my new baby and watch him, I don’t want to miss a thing.

Now I don’t want to work, I just want to be with my baby. But we’re not in a position where I can stay home full time with our baby. I need to work at least part time, so I continue to waitress and bartend 3 nights a week, this allows me to be with my baby all day, and in the evenings when I do work he stays with his daddy, he doesn’t have to go to a babysitter. I look back on this time with my first baby, even though we didn’t have a lot I was so happy to be with this baby boy everyday. Going on long walks together, playing in the backyard, watching cartoons, life was peaceful.

As the years pass, my boyfriend and I get married, he’s now my husband, we have 2 more babies, my husband decides to start his own business, he does well. This is where, at least in my situation, where financial independence comes into the picture. This is the time in my life where I imagine what things would look like if I had not put my hopes and dreams on hold. If I had actually locked in a solid career, rather than live like a carefree gypsy for so many years. I’ve painted myself into a corner, I’m relying on someone to help take care of me, yes he’s my husband, but this was never my plan.

Here’s the thing weather you want to believe it or not, money = control and whoever has more or makes more money they ultimately control the situation in one way or another. The money maker calls the shots. If you want to call the shots, make the plans, be the decision maker, you need to be bringing in some money. Obviously I’m not speaking for all women or moms, but I know I’m not the only women who feels this way, otherwise you wouldn’t see so many women in pursuit of all these “side hustles” and direct sales type of jobs, they want their own financial independence. They don’t want to fight over a Target receipt, or an amazon package showing up on the porch, they want to have “their own money,” they want control. They want to know that if something doesn’t work out in their life the way they had planned they can survive financially on their own.

Look, I know it’s important to be home with your children, you only get a few precious years with your babies before they grow up and are gone, out searching for their own independence. But it’s also important for us as women to never give up on ourselves, our purpose, our dreams, we shouldn’t lose sight of who we once aspired to be. If you always wanted a career, go after it, if you always wanted to be a mom then do that, do what makes you happy. I’m speaking for myself here, I know that financial independence is what makes me happy, I’ve been lacking that lately, I want to raise daughters who are also financially independent. I don’t want them to ever feel painted into a corner. I want them to know that they can go anywhere and do anything they want if they are financially independent, they won’t have to ask anyone for permission, they can be their own boss. I will raise them the way I wish I had been, and now plan to become. You don’t ever want to feel controlled by money, owning your life is priceless.

My girls, I want to teach them to be strong.

Just Keep Running

“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” You know you’re a parent of little kids, when you start quoting Disney movies. But really, I do feel like I’m always telling myself, “just keep going, just one more day, don’t stop you’re almost there.” I’m running a race with no finish line, there’s always more to do, meals that need to be cooked, laundry that needs to be washed, bills that need to be paid, a house that’s never clean, a job that’s waiting for me that I’m habitually late to, activities my kids need to be at, there’s never enough time in the day, how can we ever get ahead when we can barely keep up?

It’s hard, I’ve made a lot of excuses why I haven’t been able to complete certain tasks or achieve certain goals, the reality is, if I really want it I will figure out a way. Also, I’ve got to give myself some grace, something has got to give. Maybe the dishes won’t get done before I head out to work, instead I’ll get in a run that my body has been craving.

On this past Tuesday, the sun was out, it was a beautiful morning, I had already dropped my son off at school and my girls at preschool, I had about an hour and a half before I needed to get ready for work and head out to my job. Normally, I spend my time before work, when my kids aren’t home, cleaning up around my house, folding laundry, or doing any type of work for my husband’s business that he needs me to take care of while he’s out on job sites, typically I handle all of the invoicing of customers and payroll, there’s always something that needs to be done. But this past Tuesday I made the decision, this would be the day that I would officially start training for the upcoming half marathon that I’ve mentally committed to running this year. The Orange Country marathon will be held on Sunday May 3rd 2020 this year, I have a little over 2 months to kick my booty into shape, and figured no better time to start than today. This marathon is on my list of todos in 2020, something I want to accomplish for myself.

I’ve always loved running, it’s a time of reflection for me, I do a lot of thinking on my long runs. I listen to music that I love, and am alone with my thoughts. I enjoy competing against myself, and pushing myself each run to go harder and longer. I first started running years ago when I was in high school because I wanted to lose weight, like so many other women, I’ve never been happy with my body, running helped me to keep unwanted weight off, after awhile running for me became less about slimming down and more about my mental health. I always felt so much better mentally after a long run, I still feel this way, I don’t know why I don’t make more time for running, well I do know why, but I’m changing those bad habits, remember? This is the year of change.

It felt so good to get a long run in on Tuesday, I ran 3 miles with an average pace of 10:17, ideally I’d like to be around an 8 minute mile when race day comes, baby steps. I use the Runkeeper app on my phone, it helps me to track my distance and pace, and I can save previous runs then see my progress. I looked to see when I had last ran, it was back on January 21st, I started to get mad at myself that this was only my 2nd run of the new year, but then “I let it go”, as Elsa would say (ok no more Disney quotes) on ward and upward, I’m going to be ready for this race in May, no more broken goals and promises to myself. What’s tough, I know for me is that I feel that I should always be spending my time on things that my family can benefit from, I feel selfish when I do things that are just for me, this comes from my mom, she’s the most selfless person I know. I do realize that my family does benefit from having a clear headed, mentally healthy, physically fit mom, still that guilt is always there.

This will be my 3rd marathon to run in since becoming a mom, 5th marathon total. The first race I ever ran was a few months before my 30th birthday. I’d been running for years and had always wanted to push myself in an actual marathon. I decided to run the Pier to Peak marathon in Santa Barbara on September 9, 2010. It was a half marathon, 13.1 miles starting at Sterns Wharf down by the pier then running up Main Street to the top of La Cumbra Peak 4,000 feet above sea level. A little ambitious for someone who was attempting her first marathon. It’s often referred to as “the world’s toughest marathon” I was up for the challenge. Let’s just say, I finished. I refused to quit, it was really, really hard! Spectators can drive up the mountain and meet you at the finish line, my then boyfriend now husband, drove past me with our doggie in the car and told me to hop in I didn’t have to finish he said, he knew it was hard and I was struggling. I told him no, I was going to finish. I did finally make it to the top, there were so many people there at the finish line, cheering for me as I ran across, the running community is full of so many great people. The view from the top was beautiful, it felt so good to have completed my first ever half marathon!

My second half marathon was in Venice Beach, Ca. January 2011, this race wasn’t going to have any hills, I was relieved. The race started down by the ocean, the course took us inland, then circled around and finished back at the ocean, my mom was with me for this race, she was there at the finish line, I remember I was sweating so much the sweat was burning my eyes. Again I was so happy to have finished another race, and with a pretty good time, I don’t remember exactly, I want to say I finished the race in an hour and a half. My sweet mom took some pictures of her 30 year old unmarried baby down by the beach with her medal around her neck. I wasn’t married and didn’t have any kids, running was something I could pour my energy into. All of that would change within a couple of weeks.

Around the beginning of February, my then boyfriend now husband, Justin and I found out I was pregnant. I was pretty surprised, especially since I was on birth control. Looking back now, I was probably at least 2 maybe 3 weeks pregnant when I ran that second race in Venice Beach. In the beginning of my pregnancy I would still go on runs when I wasn’t completely exhausted, at the time of this pregnancy I was working as a substitute teacher during the day, and waitressing and bartending in the evenings. For the most part I felt pretty good throughout my first pregnancy, all my pregnancies were actually pretty easy, as well as my recovery. When I was able to start working out again after my son was born, I started jogging and it was tough, tougher than I had anticipated, it took me awhile to get back into the groove of running long distances again. I had a jogging stroller and would take my son with me on some of the runs, in the past I enjoyed the solitude of running alone, but now as a new mom I wanted my baby with me always.

When my son was 2, my cousin Tiffani, who is more like a sister to me, and an avid runner, invited me to come visit her and her family in Arkansas and run with her in the Hogeye marathon. First of all let me start by saying that Tiffani is the ultimate overachiever, everything she does she has to be the best at, and she is pretty amazing. She’s a dentist and orthodontist, she went to school to be an oral surgeon, she does cosmetic Botox, she’s a mom, business owner, she’s athletic, funny and smart, I’ve always looked up to her. I remember going to visit her when she first moved into the dorms at the University California of San Diego, she was an 18 year old freshman in college and I was only 10, I got to camp out on her dorm room floor for the night and thought it was so cool just being there with her. Tiffani had moved to Arkansas with her husband and 2 sons and bought a dental practice, she had been living there for serval years and I hadn’t had a chance to visit her yet. When she suggested this trip to me and the marathon I was all in, and this time I would be running a full marathon for the first time, 26.2 miles!! We both started training, Tiff would text me how far she had ran each day, she was running way more than I was. I trained but not as much as I should have for a full marathon. In April 2013, my mom, my 2 year old son and I all flew to Arkansas to see Tiff and run the Hogeye. The race was in Fayetteville where Tiff lived, it started at the University of Arkansas and pretty much went around the entire town of Fayetteville with a few unexpected hills, there were trail and road stretches, definitely scenic for an Arkansas first timer. Again I finished the race, but not a great time, I was just happy that I finished, 26.2 miles running is not something to consider lightly. Tiff the A+ student got 3rd in her age group, I’m always so proud of her she inspires me daily. One thing I learned from the Hogeye marathon, I knew I never wanted to run a full marathon again. I know, never say never, but for now that statement still rings true for me. Tiff still runs all the time, her and her family moved to Oregon and she now owns a practice in Oregon and still runs races and still wins. Like I said earlier, she’s the best, she’s a true inspiration.

After my third baby Lila was born my life was turned completely upside down. I had given birth to 3 kids in 4 years, I was 35 when Lila was born, she was born a fussy baby, she rarely slept, and cried A Lot! We even renamed her jokingly, “Cryla.” At the time of Lila’s birth my middle baby was 16 months and my son was 4, to say I had my hands full was an understatement. I was so sleep deprived, Lila didn’t start sleeping through the night until she was about 18 months, if I had some down time and had to choose between a nap or working out and running I always went with the nap. After Lila’s first birthday I decided that I wanted to run in another marathon, a half of course, no more full marathons for me. I decided I would sign up for the marathon in my hometown of Bakersfield, it had originated in 2015, this would be its 3rd year, the course sounded fun, running through the streets I’ve been driving around my entire life. Being a local marathon was also a perk, I was able to wake up in my own bed, drive over to the college, California State University Bakersfield, and start the race. I trained a lot for this race, I wanted to do well and work off all of that baby weight I’d been packing on over the past 4 years. On November 12, 2017 I ran my first marathon in 4 years. It felt great, my husband and 3 kids were waiting for me at the finish line. I finished in the top 10 for my age group. My kids were so excited to see me, it felt good.

Here were are another 3 years later and I’m back at in, in training mode. Why do I wait so long in between races when I love it so much? I don’t have a good answer, maybe I think it makes me a selfish person when I take that much time out of the day for something I enjoy, or I don’t feel like I have time for long runs when there’s always so much that needs to be done, even as I’m writing this now, I keep thinking about chores, work and kids stuff that I need to get to. I’ve always told myself, you’re kids are only little once, you’ll never get this time back with them, soak it up! And I do, I absolutely cherish every second with my 3 babies, I’ve literally put my old life on hold and poured all of my focus and energy into my kids. Gradually, I want to start doing things again that I used to do for myself, I need to come up with a way that I can combine the past with the present with the right amount of balance. Balance is key.

As a mom it’s easy to get wrapped up in raising our children, you start to only identify as a mom, you start to forget what you were like before you had kids, my mom tells me I’m a lot more serious now than I used to be. It bummed me out when she told me that, even though I can acknowledge shes right. My hope is that my runs will help get me centered, I can take care of my family and myself, I can be responsible and lighthearted, have fun with my kids and other adults. Balance is so important, I had lost my balance for awhile, I’m finally starting to feel steady again.

Venice Beach Marathon
Pier to Peak Marathon in Santa Barbara
After the Hogeye Marathon with Tiff
And my son
After the Bakersfield Marathon, note to self, do not run in gray spandex!!
My little family.

Back Story

Welcome…

First I want to say thank you, if you have actually taken the time to stop and read this first blog of mine. I’m new to this blogging world, my hope is to use this blog to help hold me accountable as I take a leap towards all of the dreams I have always had for my life. If along the way I can inspire someone else to do the same, and we can work towards our passions and best lives together, that would be one of the greatest gifts from this blog that I could receive.

“There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela

About me, first I would like to introduce myself. My name is Amber I’m 39 years (gulp) young. I’m married, my husband and I have three kids ages 8, 5, and 3. I decided to start this blog as a creative outlet to document all of the things I’ve always wanted to do, or things that I used to do and be passionate about before I became a wife and a mother. I know that I’m not alone when I say that becoming a mom has been the greatest gift that I have ever been given. The birth of my 3 babies brought me more love and happiness than I ever could have imagined. I’ve had so many insecurities throughout my entire life, but when it came to motherhood their unconditional love made me feel confident and more worthy. Maybe its them, my 3 babies , that I have to thank for deciding to step out and take this leap and go after the things in my life that I’ve always wanted. Maybe its because I turned 39 in November, or because its a new year and a new decade, and I don’t want to let anymore time go by without finding true happiness in all aspects of my life, not just motherhood.

Almost five years ago my husband decided that he wanted to quit the job that he had and start his own business. When he came to me with this idea that he wanted to go to school to get his contractors license, I backed his decision one hundred percent. I’ve always been a dreamer, and a supporter of other peoples dreams. I knew he wasn’t happy with his current job, the long hours, leaving when it was dark, coming home when it was dark, missing out on time with his kids. At this time in our lives we had our three year old son and a new baby girl. The thought of my husband quitting a job where he had a steady paycheck and health benefits, was overwhelming at the time, but I also felt proud of him for chasing after a dream and vision he had. I wanted and knew I needed to help out with our family, especially since we were going to need health benefits for our two small children. My mom, whom I’m very close with, told me about a part time position at the company where she has worked for over forty years. She told me it would only be five and a half hours a day, I would receive health benefits for myself and family, and a 401k, it sounded perfect for our situation. I applied, was hired, and am currently still working for that company today. It was perfect timing for our family, I had our third baby while I was working for this company, I was able to take sixteen paid weeks off to be with her, for all of that I feel lucky. That brings me to where we are today, while I do feel lucky and blessed for the opportunity to help provide for my family for the last almost five years, while my husband has been working hard towards his goals everyday, I also feel extremely unfulfilled in my professional life. Years ago when I first set out onto my journey into adulthood, I had lots of plans of what I was going to do for a career, what I’m currently doing was not one of the things on my list. I know that I’m not alone, I think that a lot of women, especially moms, are doing things today that they have to do, instead of what they want to be doing. We make sacrifices for our families, its our natural instinct to do whatever we need to do to insure that our families are taken care of. My hope and my goal is to be able to do both, chase my dreams of the past and current, and still continue to provide for my family all that they need and more. I want more time with my kids, I want a career that I love, I want to start doing things for myself that I love and care about again, I want to see my husband happy with his business and his career choices. Maybe I’m asking for a lot, but I don’t believe its unattainable. This is going to be the year, I hope to document my changes and growth in this blog, and I hope if you choose to follow my journey that you are inspired to chase all of your dreams as well. I read somewhere that, you are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream, I love this! I’m here to prove that you can chase your dreams at any age.

Over my next few blogs I’ll get into more of my future plans, the class that I’ve recently enrolled in, my life in college and my twenties, mistakes that I’ve made along the way, what I really thought I was going to be when I “grew up” and why I didn’t take school as seriously as I should have, all of my crazy and eclectic jobs I’ve had along the way, the different places that I have lived, and how I swore I’d never raise kids in my home town and that’s exactly what I ended up doing and why, becoming a mom at thirty almost thirty one, and a lot of other life experiences that have shaped me and made me who I am and led me to where I am today.

I hope you have enjoyed getting to know a little about me and will follow along for more of my journey during this new year and new decade hopefully packed full of everything we’ve ever dreamed of.

Starting Over Where I left Off

My reason for change

When I first decided I wanted to start a blog, I thought it could become the creative outlet that I had been missing lately. I had always loved to write, I used to write my own type of poetry, I loved writing short stories and reading novels and biographies. I used to paint for fun, and enjoyed going to watch live plays. I loved watching documentaries and Indy films. I liked finding new musical artists to listen to especially acoustic artists, and I’d make playlists for all of my friends on CDs. Long outdoor runs were my go to when I wanted to clear my head, listen to music and just be outside. Baking and cake decorating were a fun creative outlet for me, I liked trying out new recipes from different cook books.

While all of these activities brought me joy, I know that I’m not at expert at any of them, more of a “jack of all trades, master of none.” These were just some fun hobbies for me at a time in my life when I had time for hobbies. When I was researching blogs, I noticed a lot were “how to” type of writings, apply makeup, lose weight, cook, photography, organize, decorate your home, be a better mom, you name it there is a blog for it. I wanted to go in a different direction with my writing. I wanted to take an honest look at my life and document where it’s at currently and where I would like it to be and how I plan on getting there. Less of a “how to” blog more of a “learn from my mistakes” blog and creating a new path for yourself at any age or stage of your life.

I think a lot of us think about a lot of things we would love to be doing or things we miss doing, but don’t ever end up doing them because we’re so caught up in just staying afloat in our daily lives. Waking up, getting our kids up, going to work, taking care of our homes, homework, cooking, after school activities for our kids, we can barely take a breath let alone think about adding more things to our daily grind even if it is something that we absolutely would love to do. I’m trying to make a conscious effort this year to start doing those things again that I miss doing, setting goals for myself to achieve, especially career oriented goals. Even though I’m not in my twenties anymore, and I have three kids, a husband and a job, I can still go after the life I always wanted, but put on hold when my family came along. I hope to inspire moms and women who decide to read this to do the same.

When I was younger I truly believed I was going to be an actress. When I graduated high school I didn’t want to go to college, if I’m being totally honest, I wanted to move the 2 hours down south to Los Angeles and start auditioning for my dream job. My parents weren’t having it, and financially right out of high school I needed them. They wanted me to go to college for practical reasons, which I completely understand now as a parent. But I have to say, there are certain things that I did because I knew my parents wanted me to do them, not because it was something that I actually wanted, therefore not putting a lot of effort into those things because it wasn’t something that I really cared about, something to think about when you are trying to give you teens guidance. I remember when I was in high school I really wanted to take French as my language requirement, my parents told me no, you need to take Spanish, we live in California you will use Spanish. I had zero interest in learning Spanish at the time, I’m kicking myself now obviously for not taking it more seriously, I wanted to take French and go on the school trip to France. Reluctantly I took Spanish and squeaked by with C’s, sometimes I wonder if my teenage brain would have put more effort into the subject if it had been something that I really cared about and was interested in rather than being forced to take.

If I had to go to College I wanted to go away to a college, I did not want to stay in my home town and go to school. Again my parents, my mom in particular, didn’t really want me to leave. I had been playing volleyball and club volleyball since the 6th grade, my parents thought I should play volleyball for the local junior college, and take theater classes if acting was really what I was interested in. They had put so much time and money into me playing club volleyball for so many years I think they were really hoping I’d get a scholarship somewhere to help pay for my schooling. I had one school reach out to me and make me an offer to come play for them, after their coach saw me playing in the annual week long volleyball tournament in Sacramento California the summer after I graduated high school, it was for Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University in Prescott Arizona. When hearing it was in Arizona I was out, no way could I be an actress while living in Arizona I thought. Teenagers can not see the big picture, at least this teenager couldn’t. All the schools I would have wanted to play for were in Southern California and realistically I just wasn’t good enough to play for them. I wasn’t tall enough, I couldn’t jump high enough, I worked really hard, but I couldn’t compete with girls who were 6 feet when I was barely 5’7”.

I stayed in town, I went to the junior college, I played volleyball and I took theater classes and auditioned for plays, which I absolutely loved! Performing in those plays made me want to act even more than I had before. I also ended up having a great experience playing for the volleyball team. I had a wonderful coach, she had been one of my club coaches when I was younger and I loved her and my assistant coach so much. The head coaches name was Colleen Richter, she had gone to college at UCLA and played volleyball for the school. I completely admired her. I had a great experience at the junior college, acting, playing volleyball, and taking classes, I was even earning good grades. It was satisfying to take classes that I was able to choose subjects that sparked my interest. I also had a couple of part time jobs, one as a waitress and as a substitute teachers aid for children with disabilities. I had always loved kids, and had decided if I wasn’t going to be an actress I was going to work in a profession that involved kids. When it was time to transfer colleges, I wanted to go somewhere in Southern California, I was still set on acting. I ended up choosing California State University Fullerton. I liked the campus and they had a good psychology program, I’d decided that if I couldn’t make it as an actress I would be a school psychologist and help kids, because everyone needs a plan B right?

Here’s the thing, I liked all of the psychology classes that I was taking. I was learning a lot, but I was really set on becoming an actress, I would miss class to drive up to L.A. from Orange County for a crummy little audition or meet with some creepy agent, I would take time away from school for these acting opportunities that weren’t really worth my while. But I would always tell myself “you have to start somewhere”. And if I would get a somewhat decent audition I wouldn’t be fully prepared because I had to focus some time on school as well. On top of all this juggling I was also working at Disneyland, and partying probably a little too much. My point of all this is that I was doing a bunch of things “half ass” instead of focusing on one thing (school or acting) and making it great.

C.S. Lewis has famously said, “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start from where you are and change the ending.” I know we all wish we could go back and change some of the things in our lives, it’s human nature to have regrets, trust me I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff in my life that I wish I never had, and then there are things that I’ve done that have made me the person I am today and I’m good with that.

Throughout 2019 I was feeling more and more depressed about my current job situation. It’s a thankless job, that brings me no joy and even less money. I started thinking about what I used to care about and all of these ideas came flooding back into my head. I was praying even more, asking God to show me what to do. I always hear people say, God spoke to them, I hadn’t felt that, but wanted him to. I needed him to tell me what to do with my life, especially my career. I know that God knew I had a heart for children, my own are obviously my world, but I love all kids that I’m around. I actually started to feel God tugging at my heart, telling me I needed to be doing something that involved children. I decided I wanted to go back to school and finish what I needed to finish to become the school psychologist that I always thought I would be if plan A hadn’t worked out. It bummed me out to think that I wasn’t fulfilling my Plan A or my Plan B. Then I would feel selfish or ungrateful since I had this beautiful family and 3 healthy kids, why wasn’t that enough for me? Why was I so adamant that I also have my own career that I was passionate about? Well there are so many reasons, financial, self fulfillment, independence, just to name a few and I will get into all of that at a later time. I started to become resentful towards my current job that I was missing out on time with my kids that I can never get back, while spending so much time at a place that I disliked so much. But my family needed my job, if you read my first post you know why, so if I must have a career why not make it the career that I truly want? I know a lot of people settle, that’s what I feel like I have been doing the past 5 years, treading water, settling, just getting by, but we don’t have to! And I’m going to prove it, I’ve decided I’m not settling anymore and you don’t have to either.

I’ve realized you just have to jump into what you want, stop thinking about it and just start doing it. I’m using this blog to help hold myself accountable. In 2020 I’m hoping to complete some of the classes that I need to work towards my goal of becoming a school psychologist. I remember I used to want to write children’s books, maybe that will also be in my future. I’ve always wanted to raise my kids at the beach, maybe that could happen if I try instead of just wishing. I would like to act again even if it’s just a hobby for me. My love for running has me planning to run another half marathon, I’m planning on running one in May in one of my favorite places, Newport Beach/Costa Mesa. And this is a big one that I’m putting out into the universe to make it more real, I want to leave my current job and focus on my future goals, how? I’m still working on that, my mind is always brainstorming. Maybe you’ll have some ideas for me, or maybe you just want to follow along on my journey, as I chase my dreams. Believe me I have a lot of them, and I don’t plan to waste anymore time wondering what could have been. I want my kids to know that whatever you want your life to be it is attainable, at all stages of your life.