How’s everyone holding up out there? I’m going to be honest, I don’t feel that great. I would say that as a whole, I’m typically an optimistic person. However, with everything that’s going on in our world right now, the global pandemic in case you’ve been living under a rock, I’ve been feeling pretty down. I haven’t felt motivated or creative, even trying to compile my thoughts to write this is difficult, I just feel numb and conflicted.
I’ve always longed for more time home with my kids, and now that I have it I can’t enjoy it. Instead, I’m stressing on all of the messes they are constantly making, stressing on getting through my sons 2nd grade school work packet and online lessons, stressing about our finances, stressing about my husbands business, stressing about my job, arguments with my husband, sticking to a schedule. The worry is endless, then there’s sadness, sadness about all of the activities my kids are missing out on and memories we aren’t making together. Anxiety about how I’m parenting my kids and losing my patience with them more and more, doubting my parenting skills, why don’t these kids listen to me?
Frustration about the unknown, will we ever be able to get back to “normal”? What’s summer going to look like? Can I still strive for my goals and dreams that I was after at the start of 2020? I don’t know what the future has in store for me or any of us, the uncertainty has me anxious all the time, a feeling I’m not familiar with. This anxiety is consuming.
So far we’ve “celebrated” our anniversary and my youngest daughters 4th birthday in quarantine, my husbands 40th birthday is approaching at the end of May, I know we aren’t alone, we are all in the same boat, which really just feels like a sinking ship that I want off of. What’s more upsetting is when you watch the news and it appears that there’s no end in sight.
I’m torn between watching and reading the news, staying informed and staying away from the media. The media really only upsets me even more, do I want to be informed and upset, or in the dark and somewhat happy? The old saying, ignorance is bliss, I’m starting to aim for bliss. I really should be social distancing myself from the media, the news, social media, all of it, it just brings me down.
My goals have now shifted from long term to short term. Now, I just want to focus on staying happy and positive, my kids deserve to have a mom who’s fun, optimistic and living in the present, rather than worrying about the unknown. They are little still, they don’t need to feel these burdens. As hard as it is I’m going to try harder to make this unfortunate circumstance into memorable moments with my kids. Instead of stressing on cleaning and organizing, I’m going to try and shift my focus to activities I’ve always wanted to do with my kids at home but never had the time in the past. Why do we always want what we can’t have? Before when we were so busy with sports and school, I just wanted to sit home with my kids and make cookies or crafts together, now we’re all together and I want everyone back at practice and school and schedules and structure. Learning to be happy and appreciate with what you have right when you have it is a gift you never want to lose.
In most aspects of my life I’ve always had a feeling of inadequacy. I’ve never felt smart enough, or thin enough, I was never the best athlete despite the effort, I’ve been rejected by jobs that I wanted and failed at achieving certain goals in the past, I’ve always been insecure about my appearance, I’ve accepted all of these shortcomings and still managed to be a grateful human despite all of my insecurities. I’ve always had the mindset, things could be worse. But when I became a mom, I really felt like that was my calling and I did it really well, motherhood gave me a confidence that I had always been lacking for 30 years of my life. So when I start to see myself slipping in this area, I’m extra hard on myself. I’ve told myself, it’s the one thing you’re really good at, don’t screw this up too!
So now what? How do I get back on track? I don’t know all the answers or any for that matter. I do know that my love for my kids is unconditional, despite all of the millions of messes they make, and rules they break, none of that matters as long as we have our health and each other. My kids will always bring me more joy than I could have ever imagined. So now, what I’m going to TRY and do, limit my news viewing, exercise regularly, enjoy my extra time with my kids, pray more, worry less, give thanks and just breathe.