Wow! Where do I even begin? These last few weeks have been full of so much emotion, it’s hard to put into words the way I feel some days. Last week I felt overwhelmed with anxiety, the littlest things would make me cry, I felt as if my life was spiraling out of control, just a complete wreck. This week I’m feeling a little better, it’s all about your mindset and I’m really trying to push through with positivity.
When everything around me started to get canceled because of COVID-19, I’m going to be honest, at first I was annoyed and a little pissed. I know it sounds stupid, but at the time there wasn’t one single case in our county. I went to the grocery stores, just for regular groceries, I wasn’t panic buying, the empty shelves sickened me and made me mad and upset all at the same time. I couldn’t believe this was real. I didn’t want my sons little league to be canceled until further notice, and my daughters dance studio to shut down, schools to close, I thought everyone was overreacting. Obviously I was wrong, this is all new to me and all of us. The unknown is scary, and everything is unknown right now. Living in California we were the first state that was ordered, shelter in place, stay at home order. My anxiety level spiked. When my sons school district closed the week prior I was sad, I cried after dropping him off on his last day before the shut down. It broke my heart thinking about all of the fun end of year activities he was going to miss out on. I know second grade is not a milestone, but still it’s a time in his life that we will never be able to get back again.
I understand these thoughts sound trivial when there are people who are losing their lives to this monster of a virus, but it’s how I feel, I’m being honest. On top of my sadness came anger and frustration. Frustration at the amount of work it’s going to be for my husband and myself to try and homeschool our son, while trying to entertain two toddler girls who can no longer go to preschool, oh and did I mention that I’m still required to go to work. That’s right, the company I work for, we’re government mandated to keep working. The stress of still going into work some days is unbearable, I’ve sat in my car in the parking lot and sobbed multiple times before walking in those gates to work, it’s all been too much!
Then there’s my husbands business, a small business that’s already been struggling, due to some prior unfortunate circumstances. We rely on my husbands business to survive financially, more stress. For the past two weeks I’ve been going to work and my husbands been home with the kids, something that neither of us want to be doing, I want to be home with our kids, he wants to be working.
We’ve had to cancel our Spring Break plans, our anniversary is this Sunday April 5th, our babies 4th birthday is April 21st, my husbands 40th birthday is the end of May, plans that are now all going to have to be put on hold, and I understand why, but still we’re all allowed to feel sad, stressed and heartbroken.
I’m heartbroken for all of the people who have lost their lives from this virus, I’m heartbroken for their families, I’m heartbroken for businesses that may never recover from this type of shutdown, my husbands business included, I’m heartbroken for people working in the medical field who have to be separated from their families, I’m heartbroken for all graduating students from preschool to college who will all have to miss out on once in a lifetime ceremonies. The sadness right now is real, I’m trying to find the light in all of this despite all of our circumstances.
I’m grateful for my families health, currently we’re all healthy. My mom and dad who are both in their mid sixties are both currently still working and are also still healthy, thank God. I’m thankful that I do still have my job, even if I don’t want to be there most days, my job provides health insurance for my family, during a pandemic is not a time you want to find yourself without health insurance. And when I start to worry about my families health and our finances, I pray, I’m grateful that I have a faithful God who listens to my prayers and comforts me during my lows.
Why is it when things are threatened or taken away, we seem to cherish them more? I miss my families busy schedule, our weekly routine, things I don’t think I’ll ever take for granted again once this is all over. The marathon I started training for back in January and was planning on running in May has now been postponed until November. My sons baseball season was to resume at the beginning of May, as well as my daughters Pre school and dance classes, it’s all up in the air now, and I miss all of it more than ever. Birthday parties, play dates, movie outings, I want it all back. I have a tendency to pack my schedule with activities, I like to stay busy, then find myself frustrated running all over the place, I am definitely my own worst enemy at times. This quarantine has showed me, I need that packed schedule, I thrive with it.
We’re all adjusting to something new, it’s ok to feel overwhelmed, we will get through this, I know there’s a light at the end of this long dark tunnel. We can be the light that our families and others need. If you are healthy count your blessings and give back, even if it’s in the smallest ways. Take your kids out front and write happy thoughts in chalk for your neighbors to read while they’re walking by. Drop a meal off at a friends door step, participate in birthday car parade celebrations. If you’re doing well financially give to a charity currently in need, check on an elderly neighbor, FaceTime with friends, pray for this to be over soon.
I have faith that this will be over soon, and when it’s over concerts will sell out, restaurants will be full, kids will celebrate going back to school, parents will appreciate teachers more than ever, beaches and parks will be packed, trips will be booked, smiles will fill everyone’s faces, we will all hug and shake hands, and thank God for getting us through this, it’s going to be a glorious day, hang in there world we’re all in this together, we will make it through.